And I wish that I weren’t here tonight, but this is my life

Today was the first day that I was homesick. And not homesick for Calgary or those friends or my family. But my Victoria family.

I’m quickly realizing how much the friends and relationships that I’ve made there really mean to me. With Thanksgiving coming up I’m hearing lots about everyone hanging out and all the fun they’re having. And part of me really wants to be involved. I miss having those friends around all the time to do things and talk and hang out and go to shows or go for a beer. The friends I’ve made here in Banff are good too, but it’s just not the same. We haven’t built up that repertoire yet that I have with the people in Victoria. My friends in Victoria are going to be lifelong friends, and I just haven’t found that in Banff yet. I don’t know if I will if I’m only here for three months.

That’s why it was so hard to leave that city. It was even harder to do on your own. I think it would have been easier if I had stayed for a year or so and left with everyone in April. Being the only one of my friends to have my degree finished and moving onwards with my life is tough. I don’t really have any friends to relate to since they’re all still in school.

It’s a weird position to be in. I absolutely love it here and I love what I’m doing. Even being an assistant engineer is great. I’ve been getting praise for helping the artists, my organization and memory and that feels really good to know that I’m doing a good job here. But at the same time, I’m seeing and hearing all the things I’m missing out on, and it really makes me miss my old home. And I think that it’s part of me that doesn’t want to be forgotten. I hear through people about everyone and how they know me and miss me, but it doesn’t get to me. I feel like I’m the one that usually has to reach out to anyone to get any kind of conversation or contact going. And it’s frustrating. It sucks thinking that people are close to you and find they’re not really that interested.

One thing that makes me really sad is how much I miss my old house. In such a short time, that place just felt right, and I fit there and I was happy. It makes me realize how much I missed out on in my three years in Victoria living with the same person. I never had the same kind of fun I did like when I was on my own. And it has everything to do with the people I surrounded myself with and the things we did. I don’t regret the four years I spent at UVic and the relationships I built and lost along the way, but I do wish that those three years were like the last six months.

I don’t know if this is a fleeting one day thing because of Thanksgiving or if the feelings will linger until my program is over. That is yet to be seen. I know that being here is important for me and that it’s really going to help with my career and future and everything. It just sucks.

And with that, I’ll leave you with one of my favourite songs – Hello I’m in Delaware by City and Colour, which is where the title comes from.

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One comment

  1. Jordan

    It’s not a one day thing, but it’s nothing you haven’t experienced before. The first few months in Vic were probably much the same! Still haven’t managed to bump into you, so if you need a Victorian to share a brew with just let me know!

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